Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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