Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
