So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
