i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Another day, another engagement, another cat
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Hello my rib-scented angel!
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
