I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
