Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Bang-toberfest begins!!
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
