I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
