i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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