i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Randomize
