when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
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She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
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Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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