Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
