my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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