my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I intend to get homeless drunk
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
