im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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