new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
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