I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
