You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
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