I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Randomize
