I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
i need some magic done to my vagina
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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