I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
