apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
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Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
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I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
so he's a sleeptalker.
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.