if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'