im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
this just has baby written all over it
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
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