Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
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drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
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Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.