We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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