Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
50% drunk capacity currently
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Randomize
