so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
