Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Randomize
