Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Randomize
