I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
