Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
