there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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