Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
