final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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