I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
