we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
