Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
