nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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