she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
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