I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
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