I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
My underwear smells like fireworks.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
