I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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