She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
