Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
