@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
