apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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