I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
