i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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