Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
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