How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
