um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
