I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
I'm drive I can fine osifer
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
25 People Didn’t Realize They Were Talking To Someone Famous
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself