you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
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I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
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He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.