wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.