my phone needs a breathalizer
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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