Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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