how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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