you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize
