he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
