Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
