I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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