Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
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